That is my husband.  Twice now he’s left in the truck this morning.   Mind you, it is 8 am.   He has no place to go, is laid off again, and so he just putters around.  Never mind the dumpster was emptied this morning and I see three bags in the kitchen he didn’t put out yesterday.  No, now I get to hold onto those for the next month.

I came home from my book club at 10:30 last night.  No outside light on which means stumbling around in the dark tripping over tools, tires, other shit they leave laying outside.  Yes, on my way in I tripped over a tire.  I get inside, flip the light on and see he had set out the dog food out ready to be fed but no one fed the dogs.  So I had to go and do that too.

I asked husband what the hell was up.  Why do I get to come home stumbling in the dark?  Why are the dogs not fed?  I just am exasperated over this nonsense.  He isn’t working.  Why can’t he do these really difficult tasks?  I mean for God’s sakes, they trust him to build a university but he can’t turn a light on for his wife.

He should be home cleaning his shit up.  With the wicked witch of the south arriving tomorrow he should be doing this.  I am tired of cleaning already and am burned out.  I may do more, I may just sweep and vacuum in front of the sofa, sweep husbands shit off the table into a trash bag and say there you are.  At least it is better than the alternative I had, sleeping on the piles of clothes that laid on the floor in the kitchen.

This morning my cat says feed me.  Husband says the cat needs to be fed.  I told him yes, I know and if I don’t feed her we’d find her mummified somewhere in the corner dead of starvation.  Why?  Because it would go like this…

“I thought you were feeding her.  No I thought YOU were feeding her!”

Funny how they don’t forget to feed themselves though.

Maybe it is ok.  Maybe I am the one who is screwed up.  My therapist told me last year just because I feel the world should have a certain set of rules not everyone thinks that way.  And they aren’t necessarily wrong.  So tell me, is it ok to just invite yourself to events?  I mean she has to drive 5 hours.  The ceremony isn’t until 8pm and I am not entertaining her.  I have to work the next day and my life isn’t going to change because she decides to grace herself on my doorstep.

And of course I am just mortified because my husband has this place looking like trash with all his piles of shit and I am NOT going to clean up after him.  I have got to STOP that and it puts me in a dither and enables him.  But it puts me in a dither just thinking about this fucking mess.  Grass is 6″ high and none of the three lawn mowers work.

I told my husband I think she is downright rude.  He won’t do anything about it, hasn’t in the 19 years we’ve been married.  He knows this shit bothers me but he doesn’t care.  I told him I am so sick and tired of being invisable to them all.  It is like I just don’t exist and they all just do what they want.  He plants fields like he wants, he disappears for hours without letting anyone know where he is, he cleans out our savings and tells me afterwards…it all is just f-ing rude in my book.

I asked him last night why in hell he planted my pasture into corn.  He claims it was to be pasture last year not this year.  OMG I just think is head is up his ass and he can’t see reality.  All that fencing we did and for what?  To keep in corn?  Then he changes his tune and says it is to loosen the ground.  He promptly left then because whenever he feels challenged that is how he handles it.  He leaves.  I can’t tell you how many times he has done this and there I sit having to deal with it on my own.

I also told him last night I am sick and tired of him living his own life here.  He either starts participating or I’m out of here.  Back to that shit again.  It just is so maddening and frustrating.

Then add his fucking mother on top of it.  But I will survive.  I’d like to call her up and tell her it is rude of her not to ask first.  When people just show up or tell me their plans that affect me it makes me angry.  If you ask then at least I feel I have a choice even if I really don’t.

One good thing is I have to work the next day so I won’t see her then.  Bitch.

First off, here are some new little chickaloos hatched out three days ago.  Aren’t they just the cutest darn things?  There is a black one also but he was hiding under mama.

Little peepers.

So, back to the title.  Tonight we are to get storms and then a drop in temperature.  We have freeze warnings and wind advisories for tomorrow.  So I said to husband “husband, perhaps you should put a round bale out for the horses today since they are almost out.”

I used the operative word, almost.

He says “they still have hay.”  Never mind it is the moldy shit that sat on the wet dark ground all winter.

I said it is to get windy cold and rain, I think better tonight rather than tomorrow.”

Of course he gets all bucky about it.  I should just shut my mouth and let him punish himself.  So first of course he has to take a nap and wait for the rain to start falling before he can get up and do it.  15 minutes max it takes but you’d think it took up a whole day of his precious life.

So then I told him the Sandhill Cranes are thoroughly enjoying the seed we planted.  They are walking up and down the rows digging each out and having themselves a good snack.  He asked me “which field” which surprised me.  Here I thought he planted the one field corn and the rest which are hay fields, hay.

Nope. Smack dab in the middle of my summer pasture the asshole planted corn!  All along the edge of the good hayfield he planted corn!  I cannot believe it.  Over 3k in CORN.  And now no summer pasture.  I said well that must be why the cows are suddenly in the plowed up part of the pasture.  Sure as shit, they are digging up and eating the seed!

I can’t believe he is that stupid.  Bad enough I said he needs to get those cows off the new seeding.  That was when I thought it was grass.  What idiot plants corn in the middle of a pasture?

Oh yah, my idiot.

It was an odd group of people last night.  Three kinda’ tree hugger types there who didn’t participate much.  I sat next to a woman who snuck a digital recorder into the place inside her hat.  She wore long johns as leggings and insisted on having her feet on the sofa which of course took up more room than her scrawny ass should have.  Turns out she is a rabid American Idol fan, wanting Julie to turn it on her television so she didn’t miss anything.  Just downright odd.

Then there was Jan who is very overweight but is biking and injured her knee which happened to be totally healed after last Wednesday’s session.  She is very talkative but seems to be a nice person.

There were a few other ladies who were older and quiet.  One, Nancy (and please, keep her in your prayers!) was there for a healing too.  What floored me was the healings were done in front of everyone so if you were self conscience about what you wanted healing about everyone in the room would know.  Turns out she is losing her home and feels guilty for bringing her daughter to the area and not being about to provide for her etc.  The daughter has kids and Nancy feels responsible for her.  Lots of guilt and stress, and lost her job.  I sat with my eyes closed and my hands out sending her as much good energy as I could.  Foot woman next to me was giggling…so disrespectful!  This is difficult important shit for one person’s life and any one of us could be in her position in a heartbeat!  I didn’t listen in on the whole thing because I was concentrating on praying for her, asking Jesus and Mary to help her.

Then came my turn.  My mind was its usual whirlwind.  Last year when I went to a workshop with a life coach she had us draw ourselves as we were.  I drew myself with a tornado in my head.  I still feel that way.  Mind going 100 miles a second, thoughts zooming in and out so fast I can’t think straight.  I sat in the chair and she asked me what was my question and I told her I am stuck in life, that I went through a big midlife crisis last year and have just lost all passion for anything in life.  Disconnected.

She did her thing, asked me questions, told me stuff and I just didn’t understand nor could I answer.  “Can you see it” she asks and I am sorry I cannot see it.  I just see nothing, a blank wall.  I have something blocked out so bad I just cannot see it.

Then she did her psychic surgery with her guide who is a doctor…forget his name.  Anyway she felt around on my body and said it was my heart.  So she put her hand on my forehead and pushed somewhat and put her hand on my heart to extract my soul attachment.  First one…then she says there is a second and reached in and said it is a male, do I know who it is.  It has to be my Dad or my grandfather or something of that sort because I have real issues with him.  She says he was a toughy, like taffy.  Then she stops and says there is another one!  This one a little girl, a child.  Do I know who she is.  I couldn’t think at the moment although in my deep conscience I thought I did, my inner child.  Well on the way home it dawned on me who this kid is!  She showed up one other time too and for the life of me I didn’t know who in hell she was.  Now I know!!!

As a kid I used to have very vivid dreams of myself dressed up in a little sailor type dress holding my mother’s hand while standing on a pier waiting for a ship to come in…it would come in.  I asked my mother about this, swearing it was real.  I asked her if I had gone on a field trip or something to see a Navy ship.  She said no.  Deep in my conscience I can still see and feel it.  Yes I did, but in a past life.

When I started school was when my anxiety attacks started.  I would run home and hide.  I was terrible in that regard.  Even when I think back I see this wide eyed terrified child.  My mom says she never understood why, my teacher was wonderful etc.  That little kid,  I could feel her presense all the time, wide eyed, terrified.

I used to have dreams I was being chased by someone who wanted to give me a shot.  I was terrified of needles too, screaming and fighting.  Now I wonder…

Anyway, when it was all over the tree huggers left without a word, I gave Nancy a big hug and told her I would pray for her.  I chatted a little and Julie says come back.  She’s starting a book club in July (which most likely will start when I am on my way to KY) and thinks I would benefit.  I forgot the name of the book, never heard of it and I guess it was on Oprah which I don’t watch.  She says it is similar to the Eckard Tolle books which I find fairly mind numbing.  So we will see.  Maybe I’ll go back next Wednesday.  It is a long drive but the normal people there were nice enough.

Oh and a good example of why one doesn’t go through life based on what little is taught from “The Secret” since they fail to tell you about connecting to source.  A woman there put it out into the universe she needed a certain amount of money and sure enough, she got it!  But the hard way.  She was hit on her motorcycle and it came in a settlement.  LoA at work but with no guidance from source, just chaos.  It is nothing to mess with.

Anyway, I find it simply amazing how similar this type of thought is and that of  the Catholic church.  I cannot fathom some heaven where everyone is sitting around on clouds doing nothing but worshiping.  Personally I think we go back to source and then are sent down again.  We go back with Jesus until we live enough lives to experience everything there is to experience and become like Jesus who is incarnate.  I am no good at putting these thoughts out so I really shouldn’t do so in my inept way.  I have always felt old, like I have been here done that.  A couple years ago I had my chart done and it turns out I am an Old Soul, 4th level.  I am most comfortable around other old souls but all my friends are young or mature and drive me crazy.  I can only take so much drama and I have to leave.  Anyway, it all gives me more to think about.  I should have a past life regression done.  Now this is got my curiousity kicked up.

I just lied to my brother.  I told him he couldn’t come visit this weekend.  I told him graduation parties and work and the next three weeks are packed full.  It is a partial truth although I have no intention on going to any parties.  Why did I lie?  Because my house is a mess.  Yup, that is why.  I just do not feel like spending the next four days shoveling it out, period.  So I lied and said how about June or August since July is pretty packed up already with me going to KY and ds17′s 4H trip.  If I start today (and I did) I can have this dump shoveled out and not be quite so stressed.

He’s disappointed and to be truthful I am disappointed in myself too but I am also tired of being at everyone else’s beck and call and on their schedule.  I have put myself last long enough.   If I were a better housekeeper and didn’t mind spending my day shoveling up after the three pigs then I wouldn’t feel this way but I hate housework.  I even told hubby he should get a girlfriend as long as she loves to keep house and then I would let her do it.  I am just so tired of beating my ass for nothing.  Just so I can have the privilege of beating it again.  I feel totally taken for granted and am just tired.

Tomorrow I am going to a “healing” session.  It is a bit unorthodox, being a channeling session.  That is if it doesn’t cost more.  I asked the gal holding it.  I hate hidden costs.  She charges five bucks to watch a DVD and then does healing or channeling  afterward.  I need to snap out of this damn funk I am in.  I just am at my wits end.  How in the world can I have PMS for months on end.  It is ridiculous.

Then I get a letter from my mooch friend.  OMG she says if I want to go to the model show early alone it is ok.  First of all I don’t  mind her coming along, I just don’t want the “I’m broke, I can’t give you gas money” drama.  Just fricken give me the ten dollars and all will be fine.  So that means she is actually considering driving up on her own.  Funny how we have money to do that!  I don’t know.  Maybe I am just blowing it all out of proportion but as they say past behaviour is a good indication of future behavior.  So I don’t know what to think of that at all.  I don’t think she is happy with me judging the show either but I need to take on the challenge.  I have to do something.
I am so tired of all the drama.

OMG I tell you, my kid needs a fricking full time job.  I need my house back.  In 10 days I will have two teenagers laying around here.  I tell you, I am about insane.  I can’t think straight for all their BS.  It is always an emergency or I am wrong or they eat me out of house and home.  My grocery bill is out of this world and I am tired on not having a damn peice of bread when I want one.

Like I said, it has been a bad three weeks.  Sometimes I think if I croaked tomorrow it wouldn’t matter.  I feel so useless, unmotivated and invisible.  I just want to say shut up and get away from me!!!!

God I wish I could have done what I wanted at their age.  He’ll I was supporting myself when I was 17, couldn’t wait to get out of the house and away from that bullshit.    I didn’t have a car to gripe about, I had to walk or bike everywhere until I was 22.  There were days I went with only my job’s lunch for food and the cafeteria ladies knew it and piled my plate high.  I once applied for food subsidy and was turned down because I made $20 too much, LOL.  Yah, that twenty bucks got me real far.  Things are so different nowadays or maybe it is just boys.  I don’t know.  I don’t mind them home, I just wish they had full time jobs.

EDIT: Jeepers, this world is going to hell in a handbasket.  First my eBay acct. gets hacked, then my email and now I get bs saying my Pay-Pal is compromised.  It is bullshit but still, I reported it.  Damn lazy assholes, get REAL jobs!!!

So I tell hubby this and he says “you should work it, we can use the money.”  Isn’t that funny how that works?  I can work.  He wants to still be on his so called “paid vacation” but it is ok for me to struggle with 500# of  canned goods because “we” can use the money.  I am so glad they have more work for him because I think otherwise I would choke him.

So I get to the gas station and two of the three (normally they only have two registers open if that) were hogged up with “issues”, one old lady buying beer and didn’t have her purse, another busy gabbing and God knows what.  So we are standing there, I have my check written out and ready to go ahead of time, meanwhile the third check out lady is just standing there behind her “Go to the next register” sign watching out the window.  Finally after beer woman comes back with her purse the checker with her finger up her nose opens up and yells “next in line!”  I just stood there because there was a woman in front of me.  She says  “you can go” meanwhile the checker lady looks at me and says “NEXT IN LINE.”  Oh criminy.  So I go up and plop my check on the counter.  Normally it takes them 3 seconds and as she is putting it in I turn to leave and she says “wait a minute”.  So I stop and stand there and finally she says “ok”.  So I head to the door and I hear her say “Patience is a virtue!”

OMG I almost lost it.  I just kept going though.  What is it with people lately?  First the bead store witch, now this bitch.  I just wanted to back and say “excuse me?”  But she isn’t worth my effort.

I tell you, I prayed about it half the way home because I was ticked off.  Usually that place is good to go to so what was up that it was so slow and nasty today is beyond me.  I wonder what others thought.  If I heard her others did.

My youngest was suppose to do a confrence call tonight for his 4H trip but he decided to work instead.   So eldest son rigged his stereo up that it will tape the call off the younger son’s cell phone.  We are allowed to record it.  If we can’t do that we have to pay $15 for a CD of the call.  So I hope I can figure out how to get this to work.

Eldest son’s new car now has its new motor.  All this rigamaroe with the insurance co. etc.  Oh they are more than happy to take your money but give it back, better get a lawyer.  Kid didn’t even make his first payment and the engine was blown.  So we sat on it for two more months until the warrenty kicked in and then had it fixed.  We still owe $1276 on it.  It is done, we handed ds the bill.  He doesn’t have that kind of money so I will end up paying for it.  I told him when I go judge the model show I am taking his car rather than run the miles up on my beater.  He didn’t even flinch.

Today I made the mistake of asking about a bush I have by its common name and two foreigners scolded me saying that they  don’t know what I am talking about, I should know the Latin name, it wouldn’t hurt me to learn them and why don’t I just Google it.  Another says “I know what it is but I am not going to tell you.”  Why reply at all if you are going to be nasty about it?  Were those replies suppose to be cute?  Encouraging?  Uplifting?  Educational?

Well EXCUSE ME!

Excuse me for wanting to participate and trying to start a conversation.  I won’t do it again.

I thanked them for the information, said I am just starting out and I am sorry but I am dyslexic and Latin names take A LOT of effort to learn!  I added next time I will just Google it.

Why am I taking this so hard?  It has really upset me to the point of tears.  Excuse me for being an ignorant simple country woman.  Maybe in Denmark, Germany and Scotland they teach that shit.  All I want to do is trim a fucking hedge, not turn the botany world on its ass with my brilliant mind!

Taraxacum!!!!

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Taraxacum

Here are a couple of my entries for today’s model fun show.

The show went well. Basically there were only two adults showing, myself and Denise. The rest were kids.

But it was a sort of introduction to model showing and the such too. We demonstrated for the 4H kids and the littlest ones showed their dinosaurs and beat up old Barbie horses. Considering the age of some of these kids they were very well behaved and their adult caretakers were attentive to them so they weren’t going around knocking over horses and bumping into tables and the such.

I didn’t pay attention to placings. I was glad I brought a diverse group so the kids got to see different ideas.

I then helped clean up and chatted with Cindy awhile, something I rarely get to do anymore and really had me bummed out for a few years. You see she is the type of person who always has a lot of people taking up her attention or her husband is along. Years ago we used to have lots of girl talk but it’s been since before either of us had kids. Now her son has been in and out of the Marines and my last one is graduating. Like I said it has been a long time. It is like I don’t know her well anymore. But last year I said so be it and let it go.

Turns out the show was done early so I ran back to the bead store and had 1/2 hour to shop. I got what I was after and then browsed a bit. When I went to check out I wrote out a check but they have one of those stupid machines that instantly tell you if the check is any good or not. I told them that my checks don’t always work in them, they have to key the acct. number in and usually keep the check too. Well the old bat got all bucky about it and wanted a credit card. I said no, I already charged enough on it and I am not putting another $60 on it. She got ticked at me and said “I don’t even know where this >>>> (my town) is and if they don’t work you shouldn’t be using them all over the state.” OMG, I was about ready to say forget it, keep you stuff. Well lo and behold she keys the numbers in and it works just like I said it would. Idiot. I won’t be going back there. I never had trouble before and her attitude was just negative and sour. Excuse me! I told her I am 70 miles straight west. Get an education. They wanted to know if I wanted one of their punch cards. I said no. I won’t be back.

So I go to the feed store and they meet me at the door and say they are closing soon and would have to be quick. I said fine. C’ya. I came home. For such a crummy economy no one wants my money.

WTF?

Guess we know how early they are up and moving.

So I holler out at him that we’ll be right out to move vehicles.

“I think I can make it” he says as he’s moving ds’s motorcycle.

Meanwhile I notice the trunk of my car is open.

WTF?

I said to husband who in hell would leave the damn trunk open (yes, that is my good Christian mouth at work.)

“I did when I was looking for the spinner bar yesterday.”

WTF?

Don’t you know how to close anything?  Now I will have a freaking dead battery, light on all night.

I tell you, God is testing me…pushing me to see if I will use his name in vain.  Not so much in vain but VERY LOUD PRAYER!!!

JESUS, whast is WRONG with these guys???

It is all in the context you know.